cinemuck

BY CONTRIBUTING WRITER CHRIS WILEY

So, this movie was almost good. Really. Decent score. Good character acting from Richard Harris. Directed by Michael Anderson of “Logan’s Run” fame. Produced by Dino De Laurentis. And it has an epic sounding plot on the scale of Moby Dick, albeit definitely watered down. But in essence, the plot is what helped bring down the movie.

Imagine this…Bruce Willis plays a seacoast native who takes his pregnant wife out on a swim, just like they have  hundreds of times before. An unfortunate fishing accident results in a fisherman killing the two things Bruce loves most in this world…his wife and unborn son. Bruce swears revenge. He slowly follows and studies the fisherman to find out what he values most. First, he takes out the fisherman’s livelihood by destroying his boat. Then, he sabotages the town where the fisherman hides culminating in blowing up the town’s supply of gasoline. Slowly, his plan to lure the fisherman out into Bruce’s home turf takes hold. The town turns against the fisherman, but still the fisherman refuses to budge. Finally, Bruce kills one of the crew and dismembers another. The captain has no choice but to fight the grief-maddened Bruce. They square off in a fight that stretches to the farthest regions of the earth. The captain loses everything including his life, and the revenge finally sates the bruised but still living Bruce as he ventures off…

Now, every where I mentioned Bruce Willis insert the phrase “the orca.”  Or as I began to call him: Bruce Whaleis.

Yippie Kay Yay!

**EDITOR’S NOTE: Hi folks. Andrew here. As a professional graphic artist I feel compelled to clarify that I DID NOT photoshop the above picture. Thanks. And no offense Chris. **

That’s right. The whale blows up part of town from the ocean. The whale dismembers one of the crew inside a house. The whale constructs a complicated revenge scheme to draw the captain out to sea.

Now, the movie briefly tries to explain how and Orca can accomplish this: Orcas are the smartest critters in the sea capable of surpassing human intelligence (though apparently not above revenge) and our friendly local native informs us that folklore has these creatures depicted as having demon-like tendencies.

I don’t buy and I don’t think anyone else will.

Great moments to look for include:
1) Every time we cut to a close up of the whale it is clearly shot in a tank in Sea World.

2) The line delivered to the whale, “You win, your revengeful son of a b!#@%!”

3) A whale abortion featuring one of the creepiest and largest prop fetuses ever used.

...just...beyond words.

4) A Queequeg wanna-be / All knowing native contradicting himself repeatedly: “You cannot fight this demon,” “You know what you must do…fight and kill this demon,” “You must leave this town,” “You cannot leave this town,” “I will help you fight him if you wish,” “We must turn back…we cannot fight him,” and I assume as he was being crushed by rocks he was shouting “I must not be crushed by rocks!”

5) A marine biologist (Bo Derek) and wildlife spokesperson telling a fisherman so many wonderful things about Orcas that he is compelled to catch one which results in the ocra revenging itself against him; and then her telling him that the whale is seeking retribution so that the captain feels compelled to fight the whale; and then telling him she was lying and that whale’s aren’t capable of revenge so that he doesn’t fight the whale resulting in a woman’s leg being eaten. Basically, she does everything she can to confuse and destroy the poor captain including giving him false hope that she will sleep with him. Maybe I’m not in the most women/relationship frame of mind to deal with this subject sans bias…but it’s all her fault!

6) Wondering who shows more emotional range: The whale’s dead eyes or Bo Derek.

7) Watching a whale somehow blow up half a town from the ocean (I really can’t explain this in words), and thinking you are safe in a house…HANGING OVER THE WATER!!!

For lease: Split level home, right on the water, pet friendly

8 ) A man boating out to the artic circle and choosing a harpoon as his weapon declaring that he wants a “fair fight” with the whale. You are on the ocean, facing off against a beast ten times your size. This is not a balanced fight. That’s like jumping out of an airplane with a knife to fight a jet in a “fair fight”. Use the dynamite!

Fair Fight...Right?

SO WHAT’S THE MUCK?

Why should I run? A plot that was thrown together way too quickly after the success of Jaws; featuring subtle changes like making the killing machine capable of plotting revenge…from the ocean

Why should I see it? Some great stock footage of Killer Whales. Bo Derek on the beach (in a parka). It’s a little like Jaws?

The Muck-o-Meter: I give this one a 7.5. It had some great laugh out loud incredulous moments (Orcabortion!) but it does tend to stretch on in large chunks. Also, if you like Shamu but wonder what he would do if he could get out of his pen…