cinemuck

BY CONTRIBUTING WRITER TIM MURRAY:

This one comes straight from the collection of our very own Nick Ramey, from what is now referred to as Nick-Flicks (like Net Flicks but with more movies that should never have seen the light of day).  Supergirl, as you can imagine, is about the origin and first adventure of Supergirl.   WARNING: if you have ever read, viewed, heard-of, or have a little understanding of the Superman mythos, now is the time to either 1) stop reading now or 2) forget everything you know about Superman and the story arc of the Superman legend.

Ok, for those who are brave enough to venture further, here’s the muck on Super Girl.  Supergirl is from Innerspace.  What is Innerspace you (rightly) ask?  Imagine Dr. Suess’ Whoville if they did advanced calculus in grade school and wore ancient Grecian robes.

Every who down in who-ville, no matter how small, was confused by this movie, and hated it all.

Take that and throw in Peter O’Toole as the founder of the civilization and blam! You have the birth place of Supergirl.

Now, Krypton is from outer space but is a sister civilization to this Innerspace Whoville.  Supergirl, or Kara, is the cousin of Superman.  She is aware that he is living on Earth but has never met him.  One day, Peter O’Toole (also known as Zaltar here) is using one of David Bowie’s spinning crystal balls (it has the ability to create life because of the gerbil running inside it) and an item that probably came from an adult toy shop when Kara causes the ball to get sucked into the inner-outerspace of outer-innerspace. Yes, you read that correctly.

Um. Just....Um.

Anyway, without the Bowie ball, their civilization is doomed….so we are to assume.

Kara gets in the great glass elevator from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and travels to earth to retrieve the ball (also known as the Omegahedron).

SUPERGIRL:"What does this button do Mr. Wonka?" WILLIE WONKA: Why, that button cashes in on the success of far superior films from this franchise, Supergirl!

It’s a short trip because outer space of Innerspace is located under a lake in Peoria, Illinois. Upon arrival, she (having started out in her Grecian robes) instantly flies out of the water in her full Superman-esk costume and explores the great rocky mountains of Chicago and it’s many famous roaring rivers and pine forests…

…seriously…

She has all the same powers of Superman except she has the abilities of a chameleon in that she can, at will, change what she is wearing (including hair color) just by walking past a tree or flying through a window.  So the Alphabetahedron falls into the hands of an evil witch, the witches’ imaginary friend and a gay British warlock.  The evil witch and her imaginary friend commence in trying to conquer the earth in a “Pinky and the Brain” type fashion.   To find the Omlettahedron, Kara goes incognito as a school girl named Linda and befriends her roommate, one Lucy Lane (sister of Lois Lane and girlfriend of Jimmy Olsen) at the school.

At some point there is a chunk of shirtless man meat that becomes Kara’s first kiss and admirer. Meanwhile, Zaltar is spending some time with Gene Hackman (not appearing in this movie) in the Phantom Zone where, according to Peter O’Toole, all you do is drink a liquid called Squirt.   Kara is eventually sent to the Phantom Zone (via the witch with the Amberhedron) from which there is no escape and shares a squirt with Zaltar (after he offers about eleven times. He seemed oddly insistent upon it.)  After many squirts they attempt to squirt out of there. Kara squirts out of the inescapable zone and Zaltar is squirted into a tornado of tomato paste where he will squirt no more.  She makes it to the witch’s castle shortly after and saves the day.   She flies back under the lake with the Oklahomedron and we assume only a small portion of Whoville has been destroyed in the span of this movie’s time-line.

So What’s the Muck?

Why Should I Run?:  Any fan of the Superman Mythos will end up with a head ache trying to figure out the how, when, where, and who of this feature relative to the man of steel’s universe.  Lots of annoying ineffective villains (all of them actually…including the satan monster) as well as ineffective side kicks (i.e. Jimmy Olsen).

Why Should I See It?:  Actually decent production quality and a soundtrack performed by an actual orchestra.  Lots of great moments in the Phantom Zone and Peter O’Toole saying “squirt” several times.

The Muckometer:  This little bit of superhero garbage derserves a solid 5.  It’s bad in that the writers made up their own rules for the super hero universe but still entertaining enough to enjoy it for what it is (a 1980’s superhero movie with a promising cast meant for young viewers of the decade).