cinemuck

BY BRAND SPANKING NEW CONTRIBUTING WRITER SEAN REIDY

So, in sitting down to watch the 1994 film Street Fighter, I only had vague recollections of seeing the movie when it was released. Unlike most of my fellow Cinemuckers, this gave me a leg up as I knew what to expect. Or at least I thought I did. For anyone that grew up on Street Fighter the video game, this takes that and Shoryukens it into oblivion.

Street Fighter: Not a movie, but an incredible simulation.

For a movie called Street Fighter, there’s a surprising lack of Street Fighting. Or even fighting for that matter. However, there are streets in abundance, so (in true Cinemuck fashion) I take my wins where I can get them. Rather, the story is about the third world dictator General Bison (played by Raul Julia) and the efforts of an “American” Col. William Guile to rescue the aid workers that Bison has kidnapped and is demanding ransom for. Oh and that American is played by the extremely Belgian Jean Claude Van-Damme.

But I know he’s American because they dyed his hair blonde and there’s an American flag on his uniform. At least he’s not the actor who plays the character Ryu. The main protagonist in the video game is a con man here and, though Japanese in the video game, the actor is Chinese. Because, well, the director didn’t think anyone would notice. Oh and yes, I’m just as surprised as you are, but according to the film’s credits and IMDb, this movie actually did have a director. Huh.

Rounding out this ensemble cast are a bunch of people you’ve never heard of, but seen in some crappy movie or other, plus pop singer Kylie Minogue. So, you know you’re in for a good time. Guile and his compatriots are the leaders of a squad of soldiers from the creatively named world peace-keeping organization, the A.N.. This group, though poorly named, is still marginally more effective than its real-life counterpart. They also run into a pair of conmen, the previously mention Ryu and his buddy Ken, and a news crew, with the reporter being Chun-Li.

I can’t really explain much of what happens between the opening and the ending, so I’ll just use the old phrase, “hi-jinks ensue.” Cut to the end, where everyone is taken hostage but Guile and his men. Guile is then told by some bureaucratic bookworm that the A.N. wants to negotiate with Bison. Col. Guile considers the options and then politely, but firmly tells the nerd that he thinks it’s a poor course of action and will proceed with or without the A.N.’s assistance.

Nope, wait, checking my notes, the actual exchange goes something like this:

GEEKY MCNEVERGETLAID: Col. Guile have you lost your mind?

COL. FIGHTMASTER GUILE: No, you’ve lost your balls.

I think he got the point across.

Chun-Li is taken back to Bison’s room to be “interrogated.” It’s there where she explains to him why she’s so interested in killing him in a LONG expository monologue. Where I can only imagine the screenwriter (also the director) realized he forgot to give her a character or that pesky “motivation” all those other screenwriters keep teasing him about.

It’s at about this time that I should mention that Steven E. de Souza, the writer in question also wrote the scripts for 48 Hours and Die Hard. And Commando and Judge Dredd. I know it’s kind of hard to be consistent when writing, but seriously?

Guile breaks in and finds his friend Charlie who Bison’s been experimenting on by apparently putting clown wigs on and injecting with a lime green liquid I can only assume is Gatorade.

Clown? Video Game Character? Actual "shot" from a movie? You be the judge, Muckies.

Now Guile’s pissed. It’s at this point the movie just has a lot of action so here are my notes:

• The henchmen are such bad shots Guile actually hides IN FRONT of a brick wall to shoot back at them.
• Guile and Bison start fighting. Novel in a movie with the word “Fight” in the title.
• Godzilla refence. At this point I’m reminded that Godzilla movies actually have better acting.
• Bison gets super powers and finds Guile’s weakness. Flying straight into him in the exact same way everytime.
• Guile finds Bison’s weakness. A roundhouse kick to the face.

The base blows up and everyone escapes. Also, they freeze in their video game poses at the end, because, it’s based on a video game. OH and I forgot to mention, Bison’s controls in his lair? The controls from the arcade game.

SO WHAT’S THE MUCK?

WHY SHOULD I RUN?: Do you like Street Fighter? Yes? Then don’t see this. Do you like action? Yes? Then don’t see this.

WHY SHOULD I SEE IT?: This is Raul Julia’s last movie. That’s just depressing. The man even turns in a good job in this movie. That’s truly a herculean feat. Also, it’s pretty ridiculous and you get to see Jean Claude Van-Damme flashkick.

THE MUCKOMETER:

Not really that hard to watch. It’s actually pretty boring in the middle and makes very little sense, but the actors seem to know the movie they’re in (for the most part) and overact accordingly. Pretty standard “bad-movie-night” stuff. 4/10.